I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
