i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
