I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I stole a fireplace last night.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
