Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
