Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
