I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
