I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
There are leaves in my underwear?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
try to milk me bitch
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