I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
