It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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