she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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