don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
