I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
