1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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