just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
