Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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