Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
