Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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