Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you didnt know i had herpes?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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