I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
