Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
