so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
