I'm gonna have a badass scar
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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