First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
