he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.