You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.