I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
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There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
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It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.