Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
