Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
