I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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