Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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