next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
