Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
