The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
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We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
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There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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