So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Terrible idea I love it
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
