so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
