when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i was born a porn star she said
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
