My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
