recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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