I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
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hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
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I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.