I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
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Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.