Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
