i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
