You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
