I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
