i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
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