My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
