dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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