What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
