Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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