you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
