Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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