Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Why are your pants in the freezer?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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