It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
