i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
