she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
