Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
