Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i was born a porn star she said
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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