So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
