2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
